Welcome back to another riveting season of “The Bachelorette!” New readers and long-time league members, thank you for joining again, it’s always a pleasure. It’s been a wild night so far, complete with cheating, romance, and my consumption of more tortilla chips than I’m proud of, so lets dive on in.
- Happy People Just Don’t Shoot Their Husbands (Emma) – 250 points
- Colorblind? (Amanda) – 110 points
- Gettin’ Diggy With It (Emily) – 70 points
- Will You Accept This B’Rose? (Meredith) – 60 points
- Whaboom Goes My Heart (Steph) – 50 points
- Wham Bam Thank You Ma’am (Mel) – 0 points 🙁
Gettin’ Diggy With It
On Team Gettin’ Diggy With It, Dean cleans up in points this week after getting the group date rose and stealing a kiss (and our hearts with that smile, swoon!). It’s safe to say that he’s recovered from his cringeworthy After the Final Rose appearance. Other team members include Diggy, the team namesake with a questionable amount of sneakers (over 500 pairs!) but enviable closet space, and pro wrestler/human mad lib Pretty Boy Pitbull Kenny King, who for the sake of our sanity has shortened his name to Kenny for this show. He has a 10 year old daughter and comments “these white dudes are buggin’,” which is coincidentally also the one-line summary of my bumble dating experiences. I’m going out on a limb and calling him an early fan favorite.
Will You Accept This B’Rose?
On team Will You Accept This Brose, we have Jonathan the Tickle Monster (don’t swoon too hard, ladies), Iggy, the shorter guy who may or may not have a sweating problem on camera (relateable, tbh) and of course Bryan, the chiropractor who is “good with his hands” and already stole the first kiss and first impression rose. After an eventful week one, Bryan took a backseat this episode, though he did swoop in to eat Rachel’s face before the rose ceremony (10 points). Meanwhile, Jonathan and Iggy have solidified their places in the friend zone as they used their alone time for a discussion on proper child care techniques and a thumb war, respectively. We’ll see how they fare in coming weeks.
Waboom Goes My Heart
On Team Waboom Goes My Heart (solid pun choice btw–bitches love Hugh Grant movies), we have Eric, the personal trainer with dance moves; Lee, the country boy who rocks the “Skrillex for Republicans” haircut; and Will, who seems cute and normal so far. Safe pick all around, said everyone except for Lee’s hairdresser. Eric gets 10 points this week for kissing Rachel, Lee gets 10 points for reading a date card, and Will gets 30 points for “displaying a unique talent” (I won’t ask).
Happy People Just Don’t Shoot Their Husbands
On Team Happy People Just Don’t Shoot Their Husbands (also a great team name), we have Josiah the attorney who is sweet but verges on cocky, Anthony, the IRL version of Little Bill (not my discovery but it’s seriously uncanny), and front runner with questionable intentions DeMario. This week’s episode was all about DeMario, who had successfully wooed Rachel until she discovered that he has a crazy girlfriend back home who may or may not be the Cash Me Outside girl?
Bruhhh. You can do better. Anyway, Rachel sent DeMario home because she’s a strong independent woman who don’t need no man and def not this specific one when there are 20ish others. DeMario collects points on his way out for leaving mid episodes. Emma, ya boy done goofed! But we couldn’t let him go that easily. He comes back pre-rose ceremony (80 points!) and asks to speak with Rachel since Cash Me Outside girl “assassinated [his] character,” a phrase that is now my new “I would very much like to be excluded from this narrative.” Well have to wait until next week to see if Rachel hears him out and sends him home or just sends him home. I’m here for it.
On team Colorblind, we have Alex, the super hot Russian guy who was a definite front runner in my book until i read his bio and saw that he doesn’t like music and once ate a live salamander. Now he’s a red flag in my eyes, but Rachel doesn’t know that, so i can’t wait to see this unfold! He sings a pre-rose ceremony song to Rachel in Russian, which gets him 30 points. In other red flags, we have Lucas “Whaboom,” foe of Blake and your daily reminder to never mix cocaine and bath salts. He wins the “husband material obstacle course” group date challenge and celebrates by spiking his plastic child into the group and “whabooming” so hard that viewers get a concussion by proxy. Lastly but most importantly, we have Peter, the first guy out of the limo and a clear front runner. This week, he gets a one-on-one date with Rachel where they address the elephant in the room this season: their gap teeth. He also meets and gets along with Rachel’s dog, which is obviously v important. He advances to week three with 80 points.
Wham Bam Thank You Ma’am
Team Wham Bam Thank You Ma’am has some questionable picks in my eyes. For starters, we have Fred, Rachel’s troublesome summer camper from back in the day. Their prior relationship weirded her out at first, but after he bribed her with firecracker popsicles and a guaranteed win at red rover, she let him stay. Also on this team are Jack Stone, Private Eye, and Matt, who I predict will be the Whitney of this season (that is…who?). No points on this team this week.
Lastly, we need to mention the fellas who went undrafted in our league:
- Adam – Generic white guy who showed up with a doll version of himself that’s proven to be a decent running gag so far this season. Did anyone else catch him in the crowd at Kareem Abdul Jabbar’s basketball game?
- Blake E. – this guy is seriously the. worst. He’s an aspiring drummer, talked about how many ladies want his D in his entrance interview (and yet he side hugged Rachel the first time he met her? Def a virgin), and he started beef with Whaboom during week one. You cant pick fights until at least week 3. That’s just like, the rules of bachelorettism.
- Brady – Male model and possible wax figure
- Bryce – A bro’s bro with an unfortunate jawline
- Jamey – Cute, but ultimately forgettable
Did you guys think there’d actually be a rose ceremony in tonight’s episode? That’s cute. We’ll have to wait until next Monday. Until then, may your week be wonderful and may your side chicks be better than DeMario’s.