Welcome back, fam! This week, Rachel and the boys went on spring break to Hilton Head, SC. Spring break activities included a booze cruise and…a spelling bee? Talk about a buzzkill. Whatever, I’m here for it. Here are the standings:
Happy People Just Don’t Shoot Their Husbands (Emma) – 640 points
Gettin’ Diggy With It (Emily) – 550 points
Whaboom Goes My Heart (Steph) – 490 points
Will You Accept This B’Rose? (Mere) – 450 points
Colorblind? (Amanda) – 430 points
MY NAME IS IN YOUR MOUTH (Melani) – 220 points
Points This Week:
Gettin’ Diggy With It – 340 points
Can we talk about how adorable Dean is? Yes we can, because he scored 210 points this week during his one-on-one date. Despite being afraid of blimps (seriously, dude?) he Participated In A Physical Activity That Made Him Nervous But Got Through It With Rachel’s help, and was rewarded with a cute lil concert where he danced and made out with Rachel. In case he wasn’t already adorable enough, he also proved to be the wokest bae when he pointed out that Lee specifically instigates conflict with the black contestants on the show. I just love him so much (Dean, not Lee. Duh.)
Poor Kenny gets sucked into an argument with Lee after Lee interrupts his time with Rachel twice. Thankfully, he makes it through another week. I really hope he sticks around. He gets points for his argument and also for rapping on the boat.
Sadly, Diggy was sent home this week–inevitable since he doesn’t really do anything other than look stylish. He cries on his way out and I cry because my shoe game will never be as good as his.
Whaboom Goes My Heart – 200
This week, Eric moves past interpersonal conflicts and onto spelling conflicts when he spells “facade” P-H-Y-S-C-D-E. Can I buy a vowel? At least he has those dance moves to fall back on.Will also goes on the group date, but generally remains in the background. Lastly, there’s Robert E. Lee, the racist psychopath who starts drama, denies it, and then laughs at people when they get angry with him. He gets the final rose of the evening because he….gave Rachel a wood carving? He says it belonged to his Grandpa, who 100% fought for the Confederates in the Civil War. Rachel. Girl. SEND HIM HOME.
Colorblind? – 80
On Team Colorblind, Peter oversteps his boundaries this week and tries to one-up my boy Kenny’s rapping skills on the boat. He drops a verse that’s mediocre at best and then butchers the word “coitus” at the spelling bee, proving that you really can’t have looks, brains, AND charm. We still love him, though. Alex seems to fade into the background this week. While filming, he must have been aware of this, which is why he asked the producers to go to Jo-Ann’s fabrics and get enough purple zebra fabric to make his own zoot suit for the rose ceremony. It catches Rachel’s eye enough to secure a rose.
Happy People Just Don’t Shoot Their Husbands – 90
Emma remains in first place yet again (but look out, I’m catching up!). Both Anthony and Josiah go on the group date, and after boozing and cruising, Josiah wins the spelling bee! He puts way too much weight into his success here–dude acts like he writes his legal contracts with a quill and ink rather than on a laptop with spellcheck. Anyway, congrats on your victory, and kudos for using your trophy to hold your drink. I’d do the same.
Will You Accept this Brose? – 180
Another week of the Bachelorette, another week of me sitting in awe wondering how the tickle monster is still on the show. All three of Mere’s cast members join Rachel on the booze cruise/spelling bee group date. Iggy once again stirs the pot by picking ANOTHER fight, this time with Josiah. Was this guy brought on by producers just to create drama? Is he compensating for being the least attractive cast member? We may never know, but in the meantime, he’s staying relevant (ish) and bringing in points. Bryan continues to drop smooth lines on Rachel and she is loving it.
MY NAME IS IN YOUR MOUTH – 80
Jack Stone advances yet another week, despite not knowing the difference between the word “quirk” and “cork.” Dude, how did you get through law school (slash grade school)? Anyway, he’ll have a one-on-one date next week, which this team desperately needs in order to keep up with the rest of us. Matt also remains on the show and is really starting to look like he’ll be the Whitney of this season.
Next week we have four hours of this shit, which we can all definitely fit in because it’s not like we have jobs or anything. See you then!
Featured image from The Post Athens.