Bachelorette Week 5: Jack Stone Will Kill You In Your Sleep

Bachelorette Week 5: Jack Stone Will Kill You In Your Sleep

Welcome back, all! This week, we had two nights of The Bachelorette–four hours total! Me, upon learning this information:

Also me, 8pm, night 2:


Needless to say, with four hours, this week was jam-packed. The men play handball in unitards (the OG male rompers) and LARP for Rachel in viking attire. I just don’t understand how any of these guys are single.

Overall Standings

  1. Dean’s List (Emily) – 1100 points
  2. Whaboom Goes My Heart (Steph) – 1000 points
  3. Colorblind? (Amanda)  – 820 points
  4. Will You Accept This B’Rose (Meredith) – 750 points
  5. Happy People Just Don’t Shoot Their Husbands (Emma) – 730 points
  6. MY NAME IS IN YOUR MOUTH (Mel) – 500 points

Team Scoring

Dean’s List – 550 points (100 points Monday, 450 points Tuesday)

Please note that I’ve changed my team name in the absence of Diggy (*tear*) but I feel confident in this name. This week was all about Kenny. I genuinely feel bad for him–he left his daughter to go on this show and ended up personally victimized and threatened by a racist nutjob. Nobody deserves that. He makes it past the two-on-one date and, despite previews inferring otherwise, leaves without a physical altercation because he is NOT AN AGGRESSIVE STEREOTYPE. Anyway, despite winning the LARPing, he and Rachel mutually agree that he should go home to his daughter–he’s not Rachel’s husband, no matter how many pre-group-date-competition-haikus he drops. He gets 120 points for leaving on his own accord and 40 points for his sword-fight-related injury, as well as points for his argument, a helicopter ride, and crying.

Dean once again gets minimal screen time this week! C’mon, ABC! The people want a Jesse McCartney doppleganger so GIVE THE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT! We saw him briefly during the viking date and he looks like the least threatening viking ever.

Viking Dean: “How are you? Would you like some salmon or Icelandic yogurt? Make yourself at home! Feel free to wear my cape.”

Will You Accept This B’Rose – 300 points (230 points Monday, 70 points Tuesday)

On team Will You Accept This B’Rose, Bryan continues in his quest to win Rachel’s heart and tonsils. He’s doing great so far. He’ll def be in the final 3, if not the final 2. He goes rappelling with Rachel and they make out in mid-air, which is equally romantic and impressive.

Sadly, we say goodbye to Jonathan and Iggy at the start of Monday’s episode. Jonathan will have to find someone else to tickle, so hide your kids, hide your wife. Iggy heads home to think about his life and his choices, but I like to imagine him listening to “How Far I’ll Go” by Alessia Cara in his exit limo.

Whaboom Goes My Heart – 510 points (290 points Monday, 220 points Tuesday)

After what feels like an eternity, we FINALLY say goodbye to Lee on the two on one date. Someone had better drop a diss track about him because this shit went on WAY too long. “Bye, snake.” – Kenny/me

Eric finally gets his one-on-one date (and 170 points!) with Rachel in Copenhagen and I honestly really like them together. Not sure he’ll make it to hometowns, but fingers crossed!

Lastly, Will also gets his one-on-one date but NEVER MAKES A MOVE on Rachel. So sad. He had such potential and could’ve made a wonderful husband. I sound like a Jewish mother and I’m not mad about it.

Happy People Just Don’t Shoot Their Husbands – 90 points (90 points Monday, 0 points Tuesday)

Emma’s team is kicked to the curb this week as both Josiah and Anthony get sent home. Josiah got the loser edit HARD but he forgot the cardinal rule of this show: you need to win over the Bachelorette and not the other way around. We also say goodbye to Anthony way too soon 🙁 The heart wants what it wants, and apparently it doesn’t want the shared experience of cleaning up horse shit in the Prada store on Rodeo Drive.

Colorblind? – 390 points (160 points Monday, 230 points Tuesday)

On team Colorblind, Peter continues to be bae but his gray hair gets some serious competition from those viking dudes in Denmark.  He gets the group date rose, obvi. Alex gets sent home at the end of Tuesday’s episode, but at least now he’ll have time to cut the other side of his hair because WTF is going on here.

MY NAME IS IN YOUR MOUTH – 280 points (150 points Monday, 130 points Tuesday)

I’m so excited to write about Mel’s team because I’m about to GO AWFF on Jack Stone. I’ve called since the beginning that he’s actually a serial killer who wants to chop up Rachel and store her in the freezer. Look at him.

My friend also has the theory that he’s an alien doing an impression of how he thinks men and women interact. Where are Mulder and Scully when you need them?

Rachel: “What would we do on our perfect date?”

Jack Stone: *scrambles for flashcards*

After admitting that he’d lock Rachel in his bedroom (actual quote, wish I was kidding), she decides to send Jack Stone home. JS, literally any answer would’ve been better. 2 for $20 deal at Applebee’s. Borrow your friend’s car to take Rachel to Ruby Tuesday’s (actual date I went on in college). Orange Julius and chill at the mall. This isn’t rocket science. Luckily, we’ve been granted with the below meme to carry us through the end of the season:

Also, Matt is still here, apparently. He doesn’t even go here!


Somehow, Adam is still on the show, proving we made a crucial mistake in not drafting him. Totally understandable, though–we all thought he’d need this time to study for his Bar Mitzvah, seeing as he’s approx. 12 years old.

At least we have more AJ in our future…