Bachelorette Week 7: Namaste On The Floor Because There’s No Furniture

Bachelorette Week 7: Namaste On The Floor Because There’s No Furniture

We’ve made it to hometowns! This week, Rachel really lives the dream and leaves her European adventure to travel to equally exotic Baltimore, Miami, Wisconsin, and Colorado.

OVERALL STANDINGS

  1. Dean’s List – 1300 points

  2. Whaboom Goes My Heart – 1260 points

  3. Colorblind? – 1120 points

  4. Will You Accept This Brose? – 1060 points

  5. Happy People Just Don’t Shoot Their Husbands – 730 points

  6. MY NAME IS IN YOUR MOUTH – 540 points

Points wise, all remaining teams pretty much got points for the same things: one-on-one dates, kissing Rachel, etc. To my readers wondering if everything is made up and the points don’t matter, no, this isn’t Who’s Line Is It Anyway; we use Fantasy4Reality to score for us. Criteria can be found here.

WEEKLY POINTS

Whaboom Goes My Heart – 110 points

We see Eric’s hometown first, and honestly I love when they zoom in on the Yogaworks in Baltimore. Like, Eric has already told us that that’s NOT the part of Baltimore that he’s from. Luckily, we get to see his actual stomping grounds when he drives Rachel past a drug deal–so romantic. Me, upon seeing this: “have I witnessed a drug deal?” The answer is probably, as I live in NYC, but in my neck of the woods (UES) drug related convos are more centered around old ladies and how many milligrams the doctor prescribed.

Anyway, I digress. Eric’s family is super cute, and his mom seems super genuine and looks JUST like him.

Will You Accept This Brose? – 160 points

Bryan takes Rachel to Miami, woo! Listen, as many of you know, I know all of the words to “Miami” by Will Smith and these guys didn’t do any of the fun activities listed in the song. Instead, they played board games with people who don’t speak English, and introduced her to his obsessive mom who has this creepy reverse-Oedipus complex going on. Like stop trying to have sex with your son. Rachel, this is the reddest of flags.

via GIPHY

Also, he is THIRTY SEVEN. He’s this close to being eligible for the AARP and senior discounts. Cut the umbilical cord.

Colorblind? – 140 points

According to b-roll footage of Peter and Rachel’s downtown date, there is not a single black person in Peter’s hometown, and yet he managed to find 5 black friends to introduce to Rachel. Seems fishy…Anyway, his family seemed pretty normal, down to his mom’s “can I speak to a manager” haircut. In addition to standard hometown date points, Peter gets 20 points for getting the last rose of the evening. Meanwhile, I count down my team’s days in first place 🙁

Dean’s List – 80 points

Dean, the golden retriever of Bachelorette contestants, by far had the weirdest hometown date. Since his mother’s passing, Dean’s dad has become a yogi–not the kind seeking 10K followers on insta (#yogaeverydamnday), but the kind with an aversion to actual furniture. They sit on the floor in his…dwelling (I can’t in good faith refer to it as a house) and Dean and dad basically have family therapy recorded for television. This is looking less like The Bachelorette and more like Dr. Phil. Rachel also tells Dean she is falling in love with him, and then DUMPS HIM! Rach! Did we not learn anything from Ben’s season? Clearly not, because you’re better than this show and prob didn’t watch it back then.
Anyway, we say goodbye to Dean with tears in our eyes. Luckily, he recorded the below song for us in advance of his departure:



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