Welcome back everyone! As you may have noticed, I didn’t recap Fantasy Suite week–partially because it was boring as hell and partially because I’m lazy as hell. But after the snoozefest of Life Without Dean, never fear, I’m back to recap the past two weeks (Fantasy Suites and Men Tell All), and my commentary will be as extra as Alex’s suit.
As a reminder, our league has six members with three men on each team. We use Fantasy4Reality for scoring, and the scoring rules can be found here.
- Whaboom Goes My Heart (Steph) – 1540
- Dean’s List (Emily) – 1530
- Colorblind? (Amanda) – 1340
- Will You Accept This Brose? (Meredith) – 1160
- Happy People Just Don’t Shoot Their Husbands (Emma) – 910
- My Name Is In Your Mouth (Mel) – 630
Individual Team Points, Weeks 8 and 9
Happy People Just Don’t Shoot Their Husbands – 180 points
Emma’s team has been out of the game for a while, but they came back with a vengeance for MTA (Men Tell All). Josiah hopped his way into the hot seat uninvited–talk about being a rude guest! I think to myself, watching the episode from my boyfriend’s flatscreen TV while eating his pretzels when he’s not even home. He gets 50 points for the hotseat and 20 points for arguing with Lee (fair), in addition to his 30 points for appearing on the episode.
DeMario makes a return to once again defend his romance choices, when really he should be defending his fashion choices. Homeboy wore a tshirt to Men Tell All, I KNOW you don’t want to call that your boyfriend. He tells the audience what a side chick is, and defends his relationship with the girl that blew up his spot. We don’t need you to tell us what a side chick is, Demario. Even my mom knows what a side chick is.
Anthony also attends MTA and once again doesn’t get the screen time he deserves. What a catch. He’s quiet and beautiful, like me when I fall asleep on my couch while drunk-eating pizza at 2am.
Colorblind? – 220 points (100 points Fantasy Suites, 120 points MTA)
During Fantasy Suite week, Peter gets 100 points for wooing Rachel’s family, kissing Rachel, and for Rachel crying on their date. Tears aside, the family loves him (and more importantly, so does Rachel’s dog–don’t forget about him!). And how could they not?! He’s my #1 Silver Fox. Sorry Anderson Cooper, you’ll have to step aside.
Alex and Lucas appear on Men Tell All and Alex once again gets the “Whose Mans Is This” award from yours truly for wearing a floral suit. I guess it’s a step up from his zebra suit? Next time he’ll probably wear a tuxedo t-shirt or something, but Demario obviously had the tshirt situation handled this time around. Lucas also appears and gets in no less than three verbal fights (according to our scores). At least he didn’t convulse violently on television this time. Side note–doesn’t he kind of look like Butthead from Beavis and Butthead?
Will You Accept This Brose – 100 points (20 points Fantasy Suites, 80 points MTA)
Mere’s team was pretty quiet this week. Brian gets 20 points during Fantasy Suite week for kissing Rachel and going on a one-on-one/overnight date. He gets zero points from Rachel’s sister, whose side-eye told us everything we need to know about her opinion of him.
Iggy the drama queen and Jonathan the tickle monster both return to the show for Men Tell All. Both get 30 points for attending, and Iggy gets an additional 20 points for arguing with someone, as per usual. Do less, Iggy. Do less.
Dean’s List – 230 points
After a week of mourning, my beloved Dean Bean is back for Men Tell All! He sits in the hot seat and confronts Rachel about his heartbreak, and all of our hearts break, collectively. Side bar–my roommate said she tried to go to Mister Purple this weekend and heard tons of girls screaming about how Dean was at the bar. She didn’t get in (partially because of their regular lines, and partially because of Dean fandom). Let’s take a second to acknowledge that half of America is in love with a 25 year old boy who wears a camo-printed suit and stores gum behind his ear when he talks. God help us all.
Kenny returns to the show and gets placed in the hot seat to talk about his *~drama~* with Lee. In addition to Lee drama, the show also brings out his 10 year old daughter who honestly looks at least old enough to date Dean. Anyway, they get tix to Disneyland this weekend. Yass!
Diggy also appears on Men Tell All with a fresh bowtie–thank God, because if I see another over-the-top pocket square, I think I’m gonna lose it.
Whaboom Goes My Heart – 280 points (130 points Fantasy Suites, 150 MTA)
During Fantasy Suite week, Eric gets 130 points for his date with Rachel’s family, riding in a helicopter, and kissing Rachel nine times. Get a room, kids!
On Men Tell All, Lee gets some quality time in the hot seat to get ripped apart for his racist and sexist antics. He pulls every card from the racism handbook– “My tweets were misinterpreted!” “I did denounce these tweets [now that I’ve been blasted for them publicly]!” I hate that Chris Harrison gave him the last word to apologize, too. Let him fester like the POS he is!
Will also joins MTA and is adorable as always. I hope he’s on Bachelor in Paradise so he can find true love with girls like Amanda “I Just Inhaled An Entire Helium Balloon” Stanton. You know, because Rachel, the stunning lawyer wasn’t good enough for him.
MY NAME IS IN YOUR MOUTH – 90 points
All three of Melani’s team members–Fred, Matt, and Jack Stone–attend Men Tell All. I know what you’re probably thinking: Who? Who? Ew!. Me too, guys. Actually, I don’t even remember seeing Jack Stone, but I probably repressed it, so it’s fine. Fred is clearly still salty that Rachel isn’t into him, despite being childhood acquaintances. Dude, look around. You’re up against guys like Dean, Anthony, and Will. Take your loss in stride; you’re starting to sound like Liz from Nick’s season. Matt shows up but continues to have no personality–DO SOMETHING! You have less personality than Adam Junior.
Next week, we have our finale, despite there being three men left! Can’t wait to see who wins! #TeamPeter