Hi everyone! In an effort to diversify my blog a bit, I’m tapping into one of my other interests: pop culture. While I generally like to think I have good taste, I do have very bad taste in one TV show: The Bachelor. I became hooked a few seasons ago when I started hate-watching the show, and now I run a full-on Bachelor fantasy league every season with friends. I send the league members weekly point/show recaps and they seem to be a huge hit, so I thought I’d share them with others, too. Since the season just ended, I’ll be posting all of my recaps of Nick’s season below–sorry! Next season I’ll aim to post weekly. For Nick’s season, it’s pretty easy to search by episode below with the headers, but I encourage you to read the whole thing because I’m, like, really funny.
A few things to note when reading:
- My league starts calculating points after the first week of the show. This gives us a chance to assess the characters a bit more and draft more strategically. Thus, those eliminated on week 1 were not drafted.
- We use the site Fantasy4Reality.com, which calculates points for you. This year, we used the new Beta version of this site (which I do NOT recommend until they work out some kinks, but alas, what’s done is done).
- Because of the number of girls in our league and the number of contestants after night one, not all girls are drafted. This season, our league had no space for Josephine, Elizabeth, Brittany, or Dominique. You can try Sears.
- I’m commissioner (duh).
With that, enjoy!
Week 2 (First Week of The League)
Welcome back to another wonderful season of The Bachelor! We’re all so excited to find off-brand Ryan Reynolds a wife.
This week’s episode featured a one-on-one date and two group dates: one where the girls dress as brides for a photoshoot with Nick, and one where the girls practice breaking up with Nick at the museum of broken relationships (foreshadowing). Standings are as follows:
- Third Time’s A Charm (Melani) / Nick’s Picks (Amanda) – 190
- Klemps – 110
- Forever the Bridesmaid, Never the Groom (Meredith) / Corinne’s Nanny (Emily) / Platinum Vagine (Emma) – 10
Third Time’s A Charm (Corinne, Taylor, Kristina) – 190 points
On team Third Time’s a Charm, we have season villain Corinne who has a nanny back home and has never in her life been told “less is more.” This week, she secures her spot as resident thirst trap by taking her top off during the photo shoot (80 points) and kissing Nick four times (10 points each). Nick rewards this behavior by offering her the group date rose (40 points, plus 20 for receiving a rose in general). The other girls are pissed, but Corinne’s girls have never felt freer.
Also on Melani’s team are Taylor, the mental health professional with questionable mental health, who gets 10 points for kissing Nick, as well as Kristina, the Russian girl who was probably sent here by Putin to spy on us.
Nick’s Picks (Danielle M., Alexis, Lacey)– 190 points
Team Nick’s Picks cleans up this week with 190 points. Danielle M., the cute neonatal nurse, goes on a one-on-one date and gets mad points for kissing Nick, hanging in the hot tub, taking a helicopter ride, and telling Nick that her fiance passed away 🙁 She got that rose though! Elsewhere, Alexis “shark girl” gets 30 points for giving Nick a gift, which I legitimately don’t remember, but word. Lastly, we have Lacey, the Jewish marketing manager who lives in UES. She is all of us. She gets 10 points for kissing Nick.
Klemps (Vanessa, Liz, Astrid) – 110 points
On Klemps’ team, we have Vanessa, the Canadian special ed teacher who will probably win this whole thing; Astrid, who is either a person or a constellation, I’m not sure; and of course LIZ, the contestant notorious for having already slept with Nick at a wedding. No points for Astrid or Vanessa this week, but Liz “Crazy Eyes” cleans up with 110 points – 10 for crying when Nick won’t talk to her, and 100 for when Nick sends her packing. Honestly, I can’t blame him–she passed up taking his phone number and spilled the beans about their history. Also she has that awful back tattoo–gurl, wut. We’ll see her again on Women Tell All or when she returns to the bachelor mansion to kill Nick in his sleep, whichever comes first.
Platinum Vagine (Danielle L., Hailey, Sarah) – 10 points
On team Platinum Vagine, a name that Emma definitely picked for herself, we have Danielle L., the hot nail salon owner, Hailey, the girl who screams “daddy issues,” and Sarah, who is cute but honestly kind of forgettable. Minimal points over here this week–Hailey gets 10 points for reading the date card, but that’s it.
Corinne’s Nanny (Rachel, Jaimi, Christen) – 10 points
On team Corinne’s Nanny, we have Rachel, the attorney and recipient of the first impression rose. She seems normal and cool, so I’m not really sure what she’s doing here, but she gets 10 points this week for reading the date card. We also have Jaimi, the girl with the weird eyebrow whose last ex is another girl. Nick found this wayyy too intriguing–c’mon, Nick, it’s 2017! Lastly, we have Christen, who seems like she’d be SUPER gullible in real life. Like, the producers could’ve had a car full of girls in gowns and told them they’re actually going on American Ninja Warrior instead of The Bachelor and she’d believe it. Anyway, she takes on the important roles of Liz’s confidante and the girl who manages to wear like 6 different head scarves over the course of the episode. Her efforts are greatly appreciated by me, but not by the scoring website, as she gets 0 points this week.
Always the Bridesmaid… (Raven, Jasmine G., Whitney) – 10 points
Lastly, we have team “Always the Bridesmaid, Never the Bride/Groom,” even though I think this team should be renamed “That’s So Raven!” I can technically change this on my end, so you guys are lucky that I’m not abusing my powers. This team consists of Raven, the Arkansas chick who loves family, faith, and football and was definitely cast for Luke, not Nick; Jasmine G., the NBA dancer; and Whitney, the poor man’s Vanessa. It’s a quiet week on this team–Jasmine gets 10 points for reading the date card, but that’s it.
Because ABC is a scum-sucking road whore that ruined my life, the rose ceremony has been pushed off to the next episode, so we’ll have to wait until next week to see who advances and how our teams fare. Take care until then!
Weeks 3 & 4
Hi friends! Sorry for the delay in recaps–I was having fun in Paradise with my own Bachelor 😉 But I’m back now, and I’m all caught up on the last two episodes. Let’s dive in!
In week three, the girls go on a group date and perform with none other than THE BACKSTREET BOYS! Everyone (sorry–EVERYBODYYYY) in the bachelor house, and also my house, freaked out. Personally, I would’ve switched Nicks right then and there. The girls learn and perform the choreography to “Backstreet’s Back” (side note–I would’ve nailed this since I taught myself this choreo at age 11ish) and then perform in front of 500 people. BSB acts like this is a huge crowd, but I’m a little disappointed at the turnout TBH. I’ve seen 18 year old girls with more than 500 likes on their Instagram pics; you are platinum recording artists. Get it together.
In week four, the girls majorly downgrade and head to Nick’s hometown in Wisconsin to milk cows and scoop manure. Who chose this date, Chris Soules? Hope they at least got some good Wisconsin cheese to send back to Corinne’s nanny #cheesypasta4lyfe.
- Third Time’s a Charm (Mel) – 930 total (530 episode 3, 210 episode 4)
- Platinum Vagine (Emma) – 390 total (210 episode 3, 160 episode 4)
- Klemps – 370 total (190 episode 3, 70 episode 4)
- Forever the Bridesmaid (Mere) – 320 total (150 episode 3, 170 episode 4 )
- Nick’s Picks (Amanda) – 310 total (50 episode 3, 70 episode 4)
- Corinne’s Nanny (Emily) – 280 total (210 epsiode 3, 50 episode 4)
Third Time’s a Charm (Kristina, Taylor, Corinne)
Melani’s team makes a killing in weeks 3 and 4! Kristina, aka Russian girl, goes on the BSB group date, hangs with Nick in the hot tub, and gets a rose in week 3. In week 4, she tries to tell Nick about her childhood in Russia and he shuts her up by giving her the group date rose. Elsewhere, Taylor continues to build up a gradual rage towards Corinne. She argues with Corinne by the bonfire, and by “argue” I mean “tries to explain concepts from everyone’s Psych 101 college course to an infant.” Her go-to move is mansplaining if you replace “man” with “recent college graduate.”
And then there’s Corinne. She’s a narcoleptic woman-child with an arsenal of clown and/or birthday party supplies available at any given moment (whipped cream, moonbounces, chicken nuggets, etc.). She cleans up with a whopping 430 points over the course of two weeks, largely from sleeping during cocktail parties. Corinne also manages to sit out of cow manure duty (again, how is this a date in the first place?!) and argue with a number of girls in the house, including but not limited to Taylor and Kristina.
Platinum Vagine (Danielle L., Sarah, Hailey)
Team Platinum Vagine is chugging along with Danielle L. leading the way. In week 3, she gets points for dancing onstage with Nick and receives the honor of Best Dancer from the Backstreet Boys, a goal I’ve aspired to for my entire life. She dances and makes out with Nick (Viall, not Carter :-\ ) onstage and gets the group date rose. In week 4, she goes on the most boring one-on-one date ever, walking around Nick’s hometown and learning about all of his exes (newsflash–she watches TV, SHE KNOWS WHO THEY ARE). But she gets the rose. She’ll be around for a while, I think.
Elsewhere, Sarah gets 30 points in week 3 for getting a rose and also crying (I missed that?). She seems boring on TV, which probably means she’s chill IRL. Sadly, we say goodbye to Hailey who heads back to Canada after bawling her eyes out. Looks like she’ll have to get her visa elsewhere.
Klemps (Vanessa, Astrid)
Vanessa holds it down for Klemps’ team – she goes on a one-on-one date in week 3 where she and Nick take a zero-gravity plane flight (or something like that, idk, I’m not a scientist). She gets nauseous and pukes, but probs brushes her teeth before dinner, because they make out a lot and she gets a rose. Later, she basically threatens to leave if Nick doesn’t stop messing around with Corinne, and Nick is like “pls no pls no.”
Astrid goes on the group track and field date but honestly all I can remember about her is that she has huuuuge boobs and an unsupportive sports bra. Nick’s into it, though–they make out in the hot tub, and she moves on to week 4 where she really doesn’t do much of anything.
Forever The Bridesmaid… (Raven, Jasmine G., Whitney)
Team Forever The Bridesmaid still has all 3 girls left–get it, gurl. Raven has a pretty slow Week 3, but she gets a one-on-one date in Week 4 and goes to Nick’s sister’s soccer practice (fun?). Nick claims to have 10 siblings, yet we somehow only see his 10 year old youngest sister. Where are the others? Is there some sort of shady family drama going on, a la Jordan and Aaron Rodgers? Maybe the fam was just over it after his second failed engagement. After soccer, they go rollerblading and she tells Nick about how she beat the shit out of her ex one time. Raven says it’s the best date of her life. Let’s take a second to compare this to Corinne’s worst day of her life, where she shared a stage with the Backstreet Boys and saw a guy who she’s known for <2 weeks kiss another girl. Two types of people.
Jasmine G. really has a shitty week in Week 3 – she’s the only professional dancer on the Backstreet group date, and she STILL doesn’t get picked as the best dancer in the group! This is almost as bad as when one of the model girls got sent home on the first night, the night where all you have to do is show up and look pretty. Anyway, she sticks around for another week. I can totally see Jasmine going a little crazy, and I hope Nick keeps her around long enough for her to do so. Whitney sticks around as the forgettable hottie in the background.
Nick’s Picks (Danielle M., Alexis, Lacey)
Week 3 is pretty slow for Nick’s Picks–Danielle M. gets 10 points for reading a date card, and Alexis gets 40 points for reading a date card and kissing Nick. Alexis also yelled “move, bitches” when her name got called for her rose, thus solidifying her place as my personal hero. We say goodbye to Lacey at the beginning of Week 3, but let’s be honest, she lives in UES and we’ll probably see her at Sessions at some point before the season ends.
Corinne’s Nanny (Rachel, Jaimi, Christen)
Somehow, I’m in last place! Where’s THE CHAD when you need him? My team was an overall snoozefest for the past two weeks. In week 3, Christen gets a group date rose (how’d I miss this?!) and also goes on the BSB date so she gets points for dancing. Sadly, we say goodbye to her in the beginning of episode 4. She is sad to leave Cali but her frizzy hair couldn’t be happier.
Jaimi sticks around another week and proves that she’s better and milking cows/handling nips than Nick is. Rachel kills it on the track date in week 3 and gets the group rose.
Hey everyone! This week the girls finally left the midwest to head somewhere warm, lively, and the starting point of Spring Break 2012 – New Orleans! But before that (and after that, and during that), we have the final showdown – Corinne vs. Taylor. Somehow, they’re both on Melani’s team. Should we just all throw in the towel and give Mel the championship ring now? Def not, but we’ve thought about it.
- Third Time’s the Charm (Mel) – 1150 points
- Nick’s Picks (Amanda) / #FreeRaquel (Emily) – 490 points
- Forever the Bridesmaid (Mere) / Platinum Vagine (Emma) – 410 points
- Klemps – 390 points
Third Time’s the Charm (Corinne, Taylor, Kristina) – 220 points
As noted, Corinne puts down her champagne and Taylor puts down her Psych 101 flashcards long enough to take a creepy boat ride to their two-on-one showdown/date. They individually speak to a “healer” who is able to thoroughly assess their personalities because she’s been reading my Bachelor recaps. At the end of the date, Nick decides to go with the hot blonde fun one instead of the brunette with resting bitch face and a Johns Hopkins diploma tattooed on her arm. Corinne and Nick head back for their dinner date but…SURPRISE…Taylor swam back from the island and hitchhiked her way over to crash their dinner date! We’ll have to wait until next week to see Taylor get rejected again. Keep it up, Tay, if Nick’s proved anything, after the third time, you’ll get your own show!
Kristina has an uneventful week this week but continues to be adorable. My guy friends LOVE her and think she’ll make the final 4, which I think is optimistic.
Forever the Bridesmaid (Raven, Whitney, Jasmine G.)– 90 points
Once again, Meredith’s entire team survives the rose ceremony. This is the first time anyone’s said this ever, but can we get a quick shout-out for Whitney? Girl has made it through 5 weeks without actually doing anything. Her reputation is unharmed since nobody knows who she is, and she’s had a month-long vacation to just hang. Kudos.
All of the girls attend the group date this week, and Raven lets it slip that she’s in love with Nick. It’s only been a month–you’re crazy! That’s So Raven. Jasmine G apparently upsets the ghost in the haunted house on the group date or something like that. Whatever.
Nick’s Picks (Danielle M., Alexis) – 180 points
On team Nick’s Picks, Danielle M gets the group date rose, even though Nick looks like he’d rather be anywhere else when he’s kissing her :-\ Alexis comes face to face with the REAL fright of the haunted house – Nick dressed in a Nicholas Cage mask! She kisses Nick through the mask (awk) and maybe, just maybe, has overcome her fear. Things she has not overcome: that Jersey accent.
#FreeRaquel (Rachel, Jaimi)– 210 points
On my team (yes, I renamed it), Rachel FINALLY gets her one-on-one date with Nick and it actually seems pretty normal and unstaged, down to Nick getting powdered sugar all over himself at Cafe Du Monde. Nick tells Rachel that he’s feeling her, and Rachel basically tells Nick that her dad is hella intimidating. Can’t wait to see this play out on TV!
Klemps (Vanessa, Astrid)– 20 points
Klemps’ team nearly makes it through the freezing cold Rose Ceremony, but alas, we must say Auf Wiedersehen to Astrid. She gets 10 points for crying on her way out. Vanessa already had a Week 4 rose, but gets 10 points for reading the date card.
Platinum Vagine (Danielle L., Sarah)– 20 points
Slow week for team Platinum Vagine. We first say goodbye to adorbs schoolteacher Sarah, a sad moment for us all (but mostly for Emma, who now only has one remaining contestant). Danielle L. continues her journey, kissing Nick on the group date and probably wearing a low-cut top.
Parting words – how is Josephine still on this show?
It was a helluva week this week on The Bachelor. We lost a lot of good women out there, and I’ve been humming “Taps” all morning, much to my officemate’s dismay. Nick is dropping women left and right and it seems nobody is safe, not even the aspiring dolphin trainer community (what did they ever do to you, Nick?!). It’s also becoming increasingly apparent that Nick cannot hold a conversation. Some of these scenes were Chris-Soules-level boring. BRING BACK ALEXIS!
- Third Time’s A Charm (Melani) – 1560 points
- Forever the Bridesmaid (Meredith) – 950 points
- #FreeRaquel (Emily) – 530 points
- Nick’s Picks (Amanda) / Platinum Vagine (Emma) – 520 points
- Klemps – 490 points
Platinum Vagine (Danielle L.) – 110 points
We sadly bid adieu to team “Platinum Vagine” before the “platinum vagine” episode even airs. Danielle L. survives the surprise-two-on-one date for approx. 10 minutes until Nick dumps her at dinner. Honestly, good riddance. She has all boobs and no personality and sounds like she’s answering job interview questions when she speaks to Nick. That said, she does cash in 110 points on her way out for taking a helicopter ride, getting a week 5 rose, crying, and making Nick cry (which, based on previews, is not that hard). Emma, we’ll see you in paradise!
#FreeRaquel (Rachel, Jaimi)– 30 points
My team drops from 2 members to 1 this week, as Nick sends Jaimi packing. She collects 10 points on her way out for crying. Rachel reads the date card this week and attends the group date where she tells Nick she is over this group date bullshit/Corinne bullshit / Bachelor franchise bullshit. That seems to be Nick’s career path/life plan, so maybe they’re not as compatible as we thought? TBD.
Klemps (Vanessa)– 60 points
Vanessa kept busy this week by begrudgingly attending the group date, dropping fun and historical facts about St. Thomas when nobody asked for a history lesson, and coining the nickname D.Lo for Danielle L. In the spirit of Vanessa, I’ll drop a fun, unrequested factoid: There’s a musical artist named DLOW who is almost as terrible as Danielle L. He recorded the “Do It Like Me Challenge,” and the corresponding dance went viral. Check it out here:
I expect everyone to learn this and be performance-ready by the Bachelor finale.
Nick’s Picks (Danielle M., Alexis)– 20 points
As noted above, we said goodbye to Alexis at the rose ceremony this week. She cries on her way out, as does the rest of America. She lives in Secaucus, though, so maybe we’ll see her on NJT this summer or something? Trying to stay optimistic. Danielle M. is still alive and well on Amanda’s team, even though she cried on the group date (legit everyone did so she gets a pass).
Forever the Bridesmaid… (Raven, Whitney, Jasmine G.)– 540 points
It was a very eventful episode for Meredith’s team. We open with the rose ceremony and the final rose goes to…Whitney, a girl with whom Nick has never spoken. From there, she gets sent to third wheel Danielle L. and Nick on a date. At least she gets a helicopter ride out of it? On the two-on-one date, she talks to Nick about their relationship, and Nick replies “new phone, who dis?” and kicks her off. He leaves her on the island alone but who knows, maybe she’ll find a personality there, idk.
Elsewhere, Raven and Jasmine go on the group date and Jasmine goes full-on crazy, per my prediction. She freaks out about not having a one-on-one (or any time with Nick, for that matter) and cries 5x before approaching Nick and telling him she’s so frustrated she could choke him. Everyone’s uncomfortable. She gets 100 points when Nick sends her home, and 80 points for discussing a sexual fetish. Raven also cleans up in points since she gets the group date rose (even though it was cut from TV to air everyone else’s ladytears).
Third Time’s The Charm (Corinne, Taylor, Kristina) – 280 points
In a surprise turn of events, it’s Kristina who cleans up in points this week, not Corinne. Kristina gets the one-on-one date and tells Nick about her horrible upbringing in Russia and living in an orphanage. She talks about her decision to come to America, and how someone told her “If you stay in Russia, life will be black and white; if you go to America, life will be in color.” It could not be more apparent that this episode was filmed prior to Trump’s inauguration. Anyway, Nick tears up at her story and gives her the rose, then immediately moves on and invites her to dance by the Caribbean band.
Corinne is somehow still on the show and gets a half-dinner date with Nick before being interrupted by Taylor, who says “YOU LIED TODAY.” Ok, mom. Corinne doesn’t get too many points this week but I do love how the producers basically hired her a nanny in St. Thomas. Raquel, you in danger, girl!
As noted, Taylor returns to “warn” Nick about Corinne, to which he essentially replies “Imma let you finish, but Corinne is the best Bachelor contestant of ALL TIME (and is more likely to put out).” Later, bish! In the words of Corinne, “cats have nine lives, and bitches have two” (we’re all confused).
It looks like next week’s episode will have lots of tears (and thus lots of points!). See y’all next week when Nick be like
Welcome back to your Bachelor update! Hometowns are right around the corner, as we know because that’s all Nick can say on his dates because he’s horrible at holding a conversation. This week, the girls head to Bimini, an island as forgettable as Whitney, and Nick once again dumps girls with reckless abandon because conversations aren’t effortless after two dates with each of them. Yo, Nick–maybe it’s you? Crazy thought, I know. Lastly, this week is significant because it’s the week I noticed that Nick still wears a LIVESTRONG bracelet. Is it 2004? What other dated trends is he following? Is he rocking Heelys and skating around on his dates? Did he ask for a PacSun giftcard for Christmas? Did he think he was auditioning for Joe Millionaire? Are his dates going poorly because he’s talking about how much he loves VonDutch hats and Ashton Kutcher movies? Maybe we’re being PUNK’D.
- Third Time’s The Charm (Mel) – 1870
- Forever the Bridesmaid (Mere) – 1130
- Nick’s Picks (Amanda) / #FreeRaquel (Emily) – 570
- Klemps – 560
- Platinum Vagine – 520
#FreeRaquel (Rachel) – 40 points this week
This week, Rachel and Nick go on a one-on-one date where Nick skirts around the question he really wants to ask: “will your dad hate me because I’m white?” Rachel and Nick still seem to have one of the most genuine connections on the show, but none of that matters because ABC announced that ya girl is the NEW BACHELORETTE! Kinda wish they waited until she’s off the show, but you know, it’s 2017 and we’ve waited long enough for a black bachelorette. I’m looking forward to her season and also looking forward to seeing Nick in fear after meeting Mr. Lindsay.
Klemps (Vanessa) – 70 points this week
On Klemps’ team, Vanessa gets a date card that says “let’s go deeper,” which can mean one of two things: scuba diving or weird sex stuff. Luckily, it’s the former. They go on a snorkel date and make out with snorkel masks on, which is as awkward as it sounds. At dinner, Vanessa says that she’s falling in love with Nick and he doesn’t say it back. Vanessa is shocked and has clearly never watched this show before. Meanwhile, Nick still tries to figure out how to form a complete sentence.
Nick’s Picks (Danielle M.) – 50 points
On Danielle’s one-on-one with Nick, they go bike riding and share awkward silences, aka standard second date. Danielle says that her heart is open to Nick, so naturally, Nick dumps her. Nick, you’re like, really bad at this. Danielle leaving was painful to watch, but not as painful as their inevitable run-in in Wisconsin will be.
Forever the Bridesmaid (Raven) – 180 points
Raven goes on the group date this week and somehow gets the group date rose without even really talking to Nick. I call BS on this. Anyway, next week, Nick will head to Hoxie and probably re-think his decision. Can’t wait to watch him “go muddin’” (does anyone know what this means?) and read the Bible.
Third Time’s a Charm (Corinne, Kristina) – 310 Points
Kristina sadly gets sent home before the end of the episode because Nick apparently hates rose ceremonies. Yo, I get that this is tough, but these chicks did not buy the unlimited Rent the Runway membership so they could be sent home while wearing a J. Crew flannel. Step it up.
Nick cries several times while sending Kristina home (because he knows he done goofed), and so does Kristina. Since this filmed last fall, Kristina vows to get revenge and calls up Putin in her exit limo and tells him to hack the election because America is bullshit. What I’m saying is, it’s Nick’s fault that Trump is currently our president.
Meanwhile, Corinne still hasn’t had a one-on-one (because the producers know Nick will send her home if he spends more than an hour with her) and she’s freaking out. As shown in the previews all season long, she sneaks over to Nick’s suite (50 points!) to get the D and secure a rose. In a turn of events, Nick turns down the sex because he doesn’t want to screw everything up (more than he already has). Corinne is obviously shook–so shook that she leaves through a regular door instead of the automatic door (funniest scene of the night IMO, did anyone else catch this?): https://streamable.com/92101
The light at the end of the tunnel is that Corinne by default makes it to hometowns. Can’t wait to finally meet Raquel and find out what multi-million dollar company Corinne runs! Hopefully we’ll find out that her appearance in that Juicy J video wasn’t a cameo but actually part of a larger, longer-term business relationship.
I’ll see you all next week in Hoxie! God help us all.
Week 8 – Hometowns
This week was HOMETOWNS and we finally got to meet Raquel, learn why Corinne speaks about herself in the third person, find out what “muddin’” is, and discover that Nick studied his soul food flashcards and can identify fried okra.
- Third Time’s a Charm (Mel): 2110 points
- Forever the Bridesmaid (Mere): 1270 points
- #FreeRaquel (Emily): 790 points
- Klemps: 700 points
- Nick’s Picks (Amanda): 570 points
- Platinum Vagine (Emma): 520 points
#FreeRaquel (Rachel)– 120 points
Rachel brings Nick to her hometown in Texas and immediately takes him to church, which looks way more fun than services at my synagogue. From there, he joins Rachel’s family where he eats a variety of soul food and tells the fam that he’s only been on first dates with black girls (Nick. NO.). Anyway, this all seems to go fairly smoothly, so I wonder what straw will break the camel’s back and result in Rachel’s exit. Speaking of that, Rachel also cashed in an additional belated 100 points for being named the next bachelorette (aka the Lauren Hauser rule). Can someone tell me who Lauren Hauser is? This was before my time.
Klemps (Vanessa) – 140 points
IMO, Vanessa’s hometown date looked the most miserable. Sure, visiting her school and working on art projects looked fun, but her family is just as intense, if not more intense, than she is. Like why is your sister crying. Chill out. Also Nick totally goofed and admitted to V’s dad that he asked every girl’s dad for their daughter’s hypothetical hand in marriage. Vanessa cries when her dad tells her this and thus clearly hasn’t seen the show before. Anyway, though Vanessa’s a frontrunner, I feel like their relationship would consist of Nick constantly walking on eggshells, aka no bueno. We shall see!
Forever the Bridesmaid (Raven) – 140 points
So I missed the beginning of Raven’s date, but it looks like her and Nick rolled around in the mud and made out a lot. Does anyone else find this unappealing? I prefer to make out with guys either indoors or on dry land–sorry if this makes me “boring” or “hygienic.” Anyway, we meet Raven’s fam and while I can barely understand them through their accents, we find out Raven’s dad is cancer-free! Yay Wesley! Again, this date seems to go well, but I really can’t see Nick moving to Hoxie…a yankee? In their good Christian suburbs? Good heavens!
Third Time’s a Charm (Corinne) – 100 points
Corinne probably had the most entertaining hometown date of the four girls. Nick heads to Miami to meet her, and she blows like eight grand buying him….more v-necks and slim-fit jeans. Dude knows what he likes, I guess. It’s like reverse pretty woman but he looks exactly the same. Corinne tells Nick she loves him with the same enthusiasm I have when I ask my waitress if they take Discover cards. We meet Corinne’s family over dinner–though no cheesy pasta is served. RAQUEL. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER. Corinne’s dad mentions to Corinne that she might have to be the breadwinner since she has expensive taste and Nick’s “career” of milking fame from ABC is coming to a close. She says “ ya, totes.” This guy is DYING to get Corinne off his payroll. He also refers to Corinne in the third person to her face, so everything makes sense now.
The episode ends with Andi showing up and no rose ceremony, ugh. Next week we’ll see who moves on to fantasy suites!
Week 9 – Fantasy Suites (pt. 1)
Welcome back from hometowns! This week, the girls traveled to FINLAND for fantasy suite week! How pissed do you think they were? At least the weather will be nicer to their hair and makeup because we’ve all seen some frizzy and melty ladies this week in past seasons. Plus, Nick is happy because he can channel Drake in the Hotline Bling video? Seriously, he’s a mess. Corinne is probably watching this episode from home and thinking GOOD RIDDANCE.
- Third Time’s a Charm – 2120 points
- Forever the Bridesmaid – 1440 points
- #FreeRaquel – 870 points
- Klemps – 810 points
- Nick’s Picks – 570 points
- Platinum Vagine – 520 points
#FreeRaquel (Rachel)– 80 points
Rachel gets 80 points for advancing to fantasy suite week. This is awesome except for the fact that we already know she’s the next bachelorette so like why are you here so late in the game? She’s obviously going home next week because ABC would have to be REAL idiots to spoil the finale. Sad!
Klemps (Vanessa) – 110 points
Vanessa gets the final rose of the evening and advances to fantasy suite week, where she’ll continue to be annoying. That’s all I’ve got.
Forever the Bridesmaid (Raven)– 170 points
Because ABC put as much effort into this episode as I did into Klemps’ team’s recap, we only got to see one fantasy suite date this week. Raven really shares everything she’s got with us and I now know more about her sex life than the sex lives of many of my friends. No pressure, Nick! Raven, I’m sure the guy in the bad turtleneck will solve your problems for you.
Third Time’s a Charm (Corinne) – 10 points
Alas, the day has finally come where we say goodbye to Corinne. Nick will never know her platinum vagine 🙁 She gets 10 points for crying on her way out and drops an awesome speech about how she’s DONE trying to impress men, yass! But like can we please revisit the old Corinne on Bachelor In Paradise when you meet Chad? Thanks. This is the last of the infamous Corinne quotes for now, and there were truly some good ones. Personally, I plan to get a wall decal that says “Michael Jordan Took Naps” and hang it above my bed.
Next week, Bachelor Nation has burdened us with a three hour episode next week. Hope nobody had plans!
Week 9.5 – Fantasy Suites (pt. 2) + Women Tell All
Hi everyone! We’ve made it through the three hour bachelor episode this week and we’ve almost made it through an entire season of this terrible beta site for our fantasy league. Seriously, they calculate the points soooo slowly and half the time they don’t add stuff in until way later. Who’s doing the tallying here, Corinne?
- Third Time’s A Charm – 2470 points
- Forever the Bridemaid – 1640 points
- #FreeRaquel / Klemps – 1180 points
- Nick’s Picks – 720 points
- Platinum Vagine – 680 points
Platinum Vagine (Danielle M., Sarah, Hailey) – 160 points this week
Each member of Emma’s team got 50 points for appearing on Women Tell All. Hailey and Sarah didn’t do much, but Danielle cried and confronted Nick about how he shouldn’t have brought her on the two on one if he was just going to send her home. Fair, but he thought you were cute but then realized you were boring. Sometimes it takes a while to figure that out (see: skit night during rush week).
#FreeRaquel (Rachel, Jaimi, Christen) – 310
This week, Nick finally released Rachel into the wild to be the bachelorette. Confusing, because they seemed to have the most organic chemistry and feel the most comfortable around each other (hello, penguin onesie!) but this is def the better option. She also sat in the hot seat on Women Tell All, where the other contestants congratulated her even though they were all secretly mad jeal.
The other teammates also appeared on WTA–Jaimi as a mute, and Christen as a prop in the Liz/Nick/Jade/Tanner love quadrilateral, yet again.
Klemps (Vanessa, Liz, Astrid) – 370
Nick takes Vanessa on a “date” where they submerge themselves into freezing cold water. Vanessa is like “I did not sign up for American Ninja Warrior, I’m not even American, what am I doing.” That said, she does cash in 20 points for Participating in a Physical Activity That Makes Her Nervous, But She Gets Through It With Nick’s Help, and Nick Comments That He is Impressed by Her Courage.
Before they spend the night together, she asks hard questions, like where they’ll live after the show. He tells her he’s proud to be an American as he flashes his Livestrong bracelet, rolls up his pastel shorts to expose his thighs, and offers her a Bud Heavy. Hope you like long distance and douchebags, Vanessa!
On WTA, Astrid attends for 50 points, and cries (at her lack of screen time) for 10 points. Liz gets into the hot seat full-on wasted (same) and preaches about ~feMinIsM~ and how much the women all support each other. Ladies celebrating ladies. Happy belated Galentine’s Day, y’all!
Nick’s Picks (Danielle M., Lacey, Alexis) – 150 points
Team Nick’s Picks all showed up to WTA to fight for screen time and a chance to appear on Bachelor in Paradise. Lacey reallllly tries to chime in, telling Nick she was “friendzoned” and sticking up for Corinne. Dude, nobody knows who you are. Stick to being the hottest girl at Stumble Inn on a Friday night.
Alexis STILL doesn’t get as much screen time as we’d like, but I’m pretty sure she’s a shoo-in for BIP so we’ll allow it. Danielle M rocks a new lob and a super sexy romper but still can’t get a word in 🙁
Forever the Bridesmaid (Raven, Whitney, Jasmine) – 200 (100 fantasy suites, 100 WTA)
We open the show to Raven’s post-coital montage that shows her happily leaving her overnight date with Nick. The rest of America is like:
Jasmine and Whitney both attend WTA, where Whitney speaks for the first time ever and Jasmine goes off on Corinne.
Third Time’s the Charm (Corinne, Taylor, Kristina) – 350 points
Kristina, Corinne and Taylor all attend WTA and all get a turn in the hot seat. There’s a lot to unpack here but let’s start with Kristina, who is once again forced to re-live her childhood in Russia to TV viewers. Come on ABC, this is cruel at this point. Girl needs a therapist, not a reality TV show host. I know of a therapist struggling to find work who would gladly take her on as a client.
Corinne and Taylor are the real winners and losers of this episode, respectively. Corinne manipulates Taylor into apologizing to her, yet doesn’t offer an apology back; walks out on Taylor’s hot seat time to grab champagne; and serves cheesy pasta to the masses. Meanwhile, Taylor still can’t quite figure out a solid argument as to why she’s condescending, and the cast (read: Josephine, dressed as an actual witch) tells her she’s full of shit when she says she’s been bullied. I kind of feel bad for Taylor TBH, but she did this to herself. Her age really shows at this point, but at least she can dry her tears with her Hopkins diploma.
Week 10 – Finale!
Team–we’ve made it! After multiple attempts, Nick has finally made it onto
Dancing With the Stars a successful relationship. Spoiler alert–Nick picks Vanessa, much to America’s dismay.
We open with both ladies meeting Nick’s family. This is old news for Raven, who met 10-year-old Bella several weeks ago and has been exchanging Pokemon cards (or whatever the tweens are doing these days) with her ever since. The best parts of these set ups are 1. seeing how unphased Nick’s mom is with both girls revealing their fears (I believe Raven or Vanessa expressed some sort of doubt and Nick’s mom replies back “well I hope you figure that out.” ICE WOMAN), and 2. Seeing Nick’s dad cry mid-convo with Vanessa. Guys. APPLE. TREE.
Also, Nick of course rocks another terrible sweater. His fashion sense has really deteriorated since he dumped Corinne, and I don’t think “Finland” is a good enough excuse to dress this poorly.
Anyway, here are the FINAL standings! Despite having the winning contestant, third place goes to Klemps. Reigning champion Meredith falls to second place this season, and Melani comes in first largely due to Corinne’s antics and wildcard pick Kristina who made it to the final five. Congrats, Mel!
- Third Time’s the Charm – 2480
- Forever the Bridesmaid – 1760
- Klemps – 1440
- #FreeRaquel – 1180
- Nick’s Picks – 720
- Platinum Vagine – 680
Forever The Bridesmaid (Raven) – 120 points
Raven goes skating with Nick again, but in the cold this time #downgrade. The have a great time and seem to really enjoy each other’s’ company, so naturally, he dumps her in the finale. She actually really holds it together, but secretly we’re all disappointed she didn’t hold onto one of her ice skates and beat him with it. Maybe in Paradise! She gets 10 points for her one-on-one, 70 points for kissing Nick 7x, 10 points for crying, and 30 points for making Nick cry (which should really be worth only 10 points because he does it so much).
Klemps (Vanessa) – 260 Points
Vanessa finally meets Nick’s family and they seem to really tolerate her. She gets 10 points for her one-on-one where her and Nick ride through the woods to meet Santa (I wish I was kidding). Nick sits on Santa’s lap and asks for three more wool turtlenecks for Christmas, and Santa instead offers him a plaque with the couple’s Finnish names. Anyway, Vanessa also gets 70 points for kissing Nick 7x, 50 points for crying 5x (yeesh), 30 points for making Nick cry, and obviously 100 points for getting the final rose aka DA MONEY. We see them as a couple on After the Final Rose and Nick looks less than stoked. I give it a year at most.
Lastly, we need to mention the “epic surprise” planned by Chris Harrison–Rachel meeting several of her contestants on After the Final Rose! She meets a super cute black guy who is killing it until he flashes a ring he’s already picked, some busted white dude, a mediocre looking guy who tells her he’s going black and not going back, and some other guy that I can’t remember because I covered my face with a blanket after the third guy’s opening.
Good season, team! See you in a couple months for The Bachelorette!
Readers, if you made it this far, I love you! I’ll break these up by episode next season, I PROMISE.